Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
