is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just blew my weed a kiss
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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