I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
It's rum buckets o'clock
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
