you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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