I cannot find my penis.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
