low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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