Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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