Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
