and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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