last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My Higher Power is John Stamos
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
