i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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