i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
