i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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