I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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