when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
