This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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