He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
