it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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