god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
So vagazzling was a success
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
