All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
