I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
