You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
