Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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