Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
