I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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