That's intense
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
