im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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