what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
