Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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