I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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