He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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