Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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