Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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