i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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