Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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