I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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