I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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