3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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