I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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