I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
