Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize