If i come over, it means nothing
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
