i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
