Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
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