Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize