why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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