You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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