I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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