a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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