sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
