I can tuck mytits in my pants
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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