She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
