that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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