i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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