Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
