I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
