I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
