I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
