I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
