I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
