i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
